How do you say good-bye to a guy named Randy?

How do you say good-bye to someone who's been a part of your life for 45 years? How do you pay proper tribute to the person named in the title of your blog? What do you say about the most exasperating person in your life when that person is also the one who gave you everything that is worth anything in your life: 5 wonderful children, 23 grandchildren and the gospel of Jesus Christ? How do you stop wishing that his demons hadn't taken over his life so that he could have recognized and enjoyed all the blessings he forgot he had?

One of my very best friends died yesterday. He was my friend and constant companion for years before we married. After we married, he took on more of the role of my best friend; he was the one that was present and shared my joys and sorrows. We did everything together. Many believed that we were the perfect couple with a perfect marriage. In some ways we were.

But internal conflict and genetic mental illness combined with prescription drugs and drug abuse took its toll on the spontaneous, creative, fun-loving guy that I knew I would marry before we even went on our first date.

Randy loved me. I know he did, but not the way he should have to marry me. He only asked me to marry him because he had seen me dating another guy and didn't like it AND he knew how badly I wanted children. Since he didn't like seeing me with anyone else and he knew that I would be actively looking for a man who had the same goals I had, he decided to do the "right thing" and proposed. Perhaps I was naive, but I believed he was proposing for the "right reason;" that he loved me...like that. 

Thirteen years into our marriage, he dropped the bomb and told me he was gay. I offered him a divorce immediately, but he didn't take me up on it. He wasn't sure if that's what he wanted. When we finally divorced four years later, he told me that he still didn't know what he'd do if he ever saw me with another man.

After our divorce, Randy dove headfirst into everything he apparently felt he'd been missing. He had several different sexual partners, he began using drugs and was an obligatory father to our five children. He loved them in his own way, but his expression of love was polar opposite to the love my kids were used to getting from me. But, they were used to taking his expressions of love and loved him in return.

A few years after our divorce, Randy met a great man, Pat, and they became committed partners. I love Pat. My kids love Pat. Grandchildren who know him love Pat. And Randy loved Pat. But somewhere along the line, Randy contracted HIV and has been on HIV medications for years. As I understand it, over time, HIV medications begin to take a toll on the mind. 

Randy had a pre-disposition to mental illness, inherited from his mother and never sought the real help he needed to control the illness and its control over his mind and his life choices continued to grow. Eventually, Pat couldn't take the mood swings and abuse any more. He left and Randy hit rock bottom. He turned to serious drug abuse and began having severe hallucinations; believing people were out to get him, trying to kill him and drugging him. He BELIEVED terrible things of many different family members and his paranoia began to control all of his life actions. His demons were ever present in his life.

I didn't mean for this post to get dark, but it is the darkness that dominated his life for the past few years; cutting him off from most who loved him. His demons have been part of my life for the past year as he came home to Decatur to stay with his dad. There have been good times over dinners together or working on small projects, like assembling the new snowblower, laughing at our own ineptness, it was like old times as we were always good at laughing at ourselves. It was wonderful being able to discuss concerns over his Dad's health or share frustrations when we were scolded as if we were three-year-olds. But then his demons would come back; the hallucinations took over and he'd barricade himself in the basement apartment, certain that "they" were after him again.

In recent years, Randy alienated a lot of people; our children most of all. He said terrible, hurtful things to those who loved him the most all driven by the demons he couldn't chase away. To all who have been hurt by him over the years, I ask that you try now to focus on the good, fun Randy that you used to know; the one that you shared laughter or a project with; the one who was creative and spontaneous, because that Randy was still in there. 

I pray that my children can focus on the dad who would pack up the family and take us on an unplanned adventure to Niagara Falls; or fall victim to his own DIY projects and fall through the attic floor, hanging into the garage below; or even the dad who taught them how to work hard hanging drywall, stapling insulation or running electrical wiring which have enabled them to be able to complete home improvement projects in their own homes today.

I pray that they can focus on the dad who cried at the sight of his baby laying helpless under a bililight; the dad who slept under his daughter's crib in the hospital for weeks so she'd know she wasn't alone; the dad who loved the special hugs from the little girl that insisted on sitting on his lap to watch TV in the evening; the dad who made special arrangements to get his boys into the best preschool and traveled hundreds of miles to attend their high school performances. This was their REAL dad. This was the man I loved. This is the man who will ALWAYS hold a piece of my heart. Whatever his reason, this is the man who gave me the best gifts of my life and for that I will be eternally grateful and will never forget the good that we had. 

In closing, I pray that he is now free from his demons. That he knows HIS reality was NOT reality. And that he will recognize that the love we have always had for him IS REAL. I love you Randy. Rest in peace.

For other blog posts specifically about my relationship with Randy, see posts from 31 Jan 2013, 15 Mar 2013, 22 May 2013 and 31 Jan 2016