It's Just a Hat

 

Dad's Fishing Hat

To anyone else, it's just a hat, hanging on the wall. To my dad, it was just his fishing hat; couldn't even particularly claim it to be his "lucky" hat, since he was never a great fisherman, but he loved his quiet time on the lake with this brother. Dad hung his hat on a hook in the Big Cabin on Lake Siskiwit after his last time fishing on the lake the summer of 1974, just a few months before his cancer diagnosis and  his death less than two months later. The "hat" became more than a hat to Miem & Unc, who chose to leave it hanging right where Dad left it for years. Did they think he was ever going to come back and use it? Certainly not. But I'm sure, for them, it served as a sort of memorial to him; something to look at and remember the smile, the joke, the story of the man who wore it.

Was the hat all he left behind? Definitely not. Anyone who was there can also see him in the beach I begged him to build so we could have campfires next to the lake, in the picnic table that he built to satisfy me because we NEEDED a table to eat outside on the "beach." We can see him in the basement of the big cabin where he led friends and family in the pouring of the cement floor and laying the concrete block to replace the wooden beams and dirt floor and walls. We can see him every time we walk from the driveway, down the stairs by the big cabin on the cement sidewalk poured to replace the dirt and railroad tie walkway that existed before 1967. (I just realized that I keep referencing all of us that have those memories, but now that my mom, Miem, Unc & Norm are all gone, I'm the only one who still carries all those memories. I'm the only one who doesn't take all of those things for granted, as if they were always there.)

Leaving Corny, I can see him when I drive by our old "4th Street House" in Aurora, recognizing that after all these years, it's still painted gray with white trim; the colors he and Mom chose when they decided to repaint the gloomy tan with brown trim. He's there when you drive down the alley and see the 3-car garage and cement drive that he built to replace the rickety old 1 car garage and the fenced in backyard of my early childhood. And, he's there when you look at the addition on the back of the house that converted the old screened-in sun porch into a bedroom for Billy & Allen. 

I see my dad every time I see my cuckoo clock or hear the music play and remember that it was ME he was thinking of when his friend, Ralph  Weber was going to Germany. Ralph had asked Dad if he'd like him to bring anything back. Dad didn't think of himself, but he knew how much I was enjoying my high school German class and asked Ralph to bring me an authentic cuckoo clock from "das Schwarzwald." I see him when I look at my old bookcase, now painted a much prettier white, in my granddaughter's bedroom. It was an ugly piece of furniture from the beginning, much heavier than it needed to be, but it was the last thing my dad did for me, as I requested a bookcase to move into my new sorority house at college. I can still envision him and Ethel carrying it into the house for me.

I see my grandmother sitting in her chair or putting a holiday dinner on her dining room table when I see her Bavarian cut-glass set or the "chickie dish." My aunt, DeeDee is there every time I see the old victrola or hear Rosemary Clooney singing about Susie Snowflake or Gene Autry singing about Rudolph.

My mom is there in less tangible memories. She exists in Barton's crooked smile and Sami's thin, straight hair. She's there when I hear "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "Silent Night" or when I look at the American flag or balance a checkbook.

So. Where am I going with all of this? Why am I writing this? And why now? Today, my thoughts are with Lanie; anticipating what awaits her and her kids for the next few days. Today, they are on their way to Corny to close up the cabins for the winter. Today will be the first time she arrives at the cabins without Norm. Yeah, she and I used to go up a lot before she began dating him; with my folks, with just my dad and by ourselves after I got my license; more often than not, Norm was there too. But since my dad died and I lost my "claim" to the cabins, she's always been there with him. 

It's been two years since she was there last with him. Last year, they didn't go because it would have been too difficult to take all of Norm's equipment and frightening to think about what they'd do if something happened to him so far from medical services. Now, she goes to face 53 years of memories alone. Yes, three of her kids will be with her and undoubtedly, they'll all share some wonderful family memories, but they'll each feel those memories differently. Some may elicit laughter; some tears; and others may even bring out some anger. Hopefully, facing those memories will facilitate healthy grieving, healing and the ability to look to the future and create a new generation of Zielke memories on the lake.

The summer of 1975, Miem & Unc faced a different Corny than they had known the previous seven years, while my dad was living. The summer of 1977, Miem and her kids learned how to adapt to a Corny without Unc. The summer of 1997, Norm and his siblings determined the future of the cabins without their mom. Now, Lanie and her kids face the same evolution without Norm's guiding influence. As Lanie intends to follow Miem's example and keep the cabins going as long as her kids have an interest in them, the Zielke legacy, established in 1967, will carry on. 

The thing is, as new people "take charge" of anything, even our history, we lose evidence of times gone by. What one person may perceive as an ugly old book case or a shriveled, crusty fishing hat may be a treasure more valuable than gold to another. As I learn of old buildings being torn down, see old technology become obsolete or see farmlands that have been replaced by strip malls or new housing communities, I recognize the progress and the need for it to go on, but a part of me is still saddened over the simpler times that are lost or the nostalgia of the "olden days. I wish I'd had a better understanding of that in my younger years, when I could have asked my parents more questions about things that just seemed old-fashioned at the time.

I've learned so much as I've dug deeper into Family History over the past two years; as I've interviewed my Aunt Grace to learn more about their family as she was growing up and as I've researched my mother's birth family. People, events and tragic times fade into mere memories. Memories can be revisited by recording them or by going to places that they happened, but whenever I'm able to physically see or touch something, I'm grateful that the memory of a person can be brought to life again with something as simple as just a hat.

A Different Kind of Post

 Anyone who follows my blog as sporadically as I write on it knows that I always write about my life and my family. Most of the posts have been inspired by a book of questions prepared for me when my daughter created the blog for me as a birthday gift. I enjoy writing; just don't take the time to do it often enough. 

1973
At my thinnest, shortly 
after high school graduation

Today, I'm not using a topic from my book, but rather from an assignment. To provide a little bit of background, I've fought my weight my whole life. My first humiliating memory about my weight was when I was just 8-years-old. We had moved from the city of Aurora to a farm in Wisconsin and my daddy bought me a pony! Feeling the need to be properly outfitted, I got a cowboy hat and my folks took me into town to get a pair of cowboy boots! The woman measured my foot, came back with my chosen boots and slid them onto my feet. As I stood up to walk and see how they felt, the saleslady looked up at my folks and said, "She has a good, sturdy pair of legs, doesn't she?" I didn't really understand what she meant at the time, but her tone made it very plain that it wasn't a compliment. From that point on, all through high school, college, marriage and divorce, my weight was like a roller coaster with a series of diets and giving up. In the '90s, Richard Simmons became my weight-loss guru along with chubbies all over the country. The amazing thing was, his Deal-a-Meal and Sweatin' to the Oldies provided a weight loss plan I could stick to, enjoy, lose and maintain the loss. I lost 80 pounds and kept it off for a little over two years until the day I broke my ankle while my marriage was falling apart. I wasn't able to "Sweat" on my broken leg and depression was setting in, getting worse as the pounds found their way back much quicker than they left. From that time on, I made some lame attempts at weight loss, but quickly became discouraged, lacking the motivation Richard Simmons had helped me find.

After 20+ years of gaining more and more, I felt more and more defeated as grandchildren came and my ability to play with them decreased. I developed high blood pressure and needed a knee replacement. I still couldn't find the motivation I needed to find a diet and stick to it, because they always felt like a punishment; prohibiting the foods that were my standard became my punishment for all the years of not taking care of myself. I was doomed to fail before I got started!

July, 2019
Me close to my heaviest weight
with 5 of my reasons to get healthier

Then, the end of June, I decided to complete a questionnaire I saw online for Noom. I had heard of it before and thought maybe I should try it, but decided it would just be another waste of money for another failed program. After completing the questionnaire and taking advantage of the trial period, I realized I could DO Noom! Reminiscent of Deal-a-Meal, it let me eat whatever I wanted to eat, but it held me accountable to myself for my choices. A program based on psychology (my academic love, second only to math), and way less expensive than any diet program I subscribed to, it taught me to think about what I was eating, why I was eating it and how I could make some alternate, healthier choices to the foods I normally eat and crave. Essentially, it has created for me, not only a way to lose the weight, but the confidence that I'll be able to maintain the weight once I get it off. From my heaviest, post-Covid weight, I am down 31 pounds; 25 of them in the two months I've been following Noom! Granted, I still have a LOOONG way to go and I've set stairstep goals to give myself a reward through sense of accomplishment, but I really believe I can do it this time; just like I did with Richard Simmons.

So what does all this have to do with my blog post? Along with following the meal plan, drinking water and exercising MY way, Noom provides 9-12 minutes worth of inspirational/educational lessons to do each day. Sometimes those lessons provide challenges or assignments. Today's "assignment" is to write in my diary, journal or on a piece of paper five qualities that I am proud of having. Since my blog is the closest thing I have to a journal, here we go:

5 Qualities I'm Proud of Having:

1. Faith, Trust & Charity: They all go together and count as one to me. I have been blessed with a deep faith and trust, not just in my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but also in my fellow man. While it has backfired on me on occasion, I have faith in and trust everyone, until they give me a reason not to through a betrayal of that trust. Tied directly to that faith and trust is charity, defined as the pure love of Christ. I find people easy to love and I'm happy to be able to tell them so and let them know someone does indeed love them for who they are; no strings. Because of the world we live in, because of the way society generally interprets "love," I may initially make some people uncomfortable, but as they get to know me and realize my sincerity, it becomes a solid foundation for good, strong relationships, of which I have been blessed with many, all over this great country of ours.  
2. Understanding & Compassion: These two also go together as one to my way of thinking. As an introvert, with my love of psychology, I spend a lot of time watching and listening to people. The knowledge I gain as I sit back and observe, provide me an understanding of people, their personalities and what drives them. The better I understand people and their different personalities, the better able I am to be compassionate to their situations and, perhaps, even offer advice.
3. Teaching: Teaching has always been my passion. I love teaching others and have often been told I'm good at it. Nothing gives me more joy than seeing lightbulbs turn on when someone grasps a concept I've been explaining or when I see someone I've taught, put into practice something with which I have helped them. Occasionally, my teaching is based on selfish reasons, knowing that if I can teach someone else how to do something I'm responsible for, it's one less thing I have to do myself. A precursor to the fine art of delegation, if you will. 
4. Organization & Leadership: Anyone who knew the quiet introvert from high school, would not have thought me capable of such skills, but between college sorority opportunities and responsibilities put upon my through church and work, I have been able to develop these skills and find myself stepping into these roles automatically when someone needs to take charge. Oddly enough, however, I don't seek out such opportunities and if another steps up to the occasion, I am a content follower.
5. Writing: From the time I won my first writing award in 8th grade, I have loved to write. From the early '90s, I wanted to be the original J.K. Rowling! As my children approached their teens, I saw a need for books written with that audience in mind. Lacking the courage and imagination Ms Rowling possessed, she beat me to it. As friends and family have read some of my work and my blog through the years and become familiar with many of my life experiences, I am constantly encouraged to use the skill God has blessed me with to write a book. A challenge Noom presented to me last week was to choose the quest I .need to conquer to accomplish my own "hero" status. So, my commitment to myself is to work toward that end. Now I'm faced with choosing my storyline as I have three or four different ideas in mind. First step on my journey is the purchase of a four subject notebook, one section for each of my ideas, in which I'll begin to write down all the thoughts I've had on each plot. As I continue to add notes, the goal will be to, one day soon, determine which of these books is the one begging to be written.

And, there it is. Noom assignment accomplished in recognizing that I do have some good qualities that I can be proud of and use to fashion my life going forward. While the first four are actually just admitting to myself that they are qualities I possess, the fifth is the scary one. It's the one I haven't tested. While it's been a lifelong dream, since I've never tried, I've never faced the risk of failure. What if I'm not as good as I think I am? What if I'm not as good as others have led me to believe I am? That's the risk we all take as we face the unknown, is it not? But, I've put it out there now. I've promised you, I've promised myself and now, succeed or fail, my journey has begun. How about you? What's that thing you've always wanted to do, but haven't done? What are you waiting for? Join me and let's start on our quest together!