Today (March 9) was Meg's twelfth wedding anniversary. Tomorrow is the sixteenth anniversary of my divorce. You might wonder why I would lump Meg's anniversary onto a blog about loss, but her anniversary sparks the ultimate pain of loss. Meg is in the process of a divorce. Since Meg separated from her husband, Samuel, a few years ago she has been VERY conscientious of checking up on me on what would have been my wedding anniversary; more so than she had been when her dad and I were still married. Only Meg understands how painful a wedding anniversary is after a divorce.
Twelve years ago, it appeared that Meg had the world right where she wanted it. She was about to graduate from BYU-Hawaii, was ready to prepare for law school, had served two internships in Washington D.C. and was marrying a handsome, returned missionary, prince from Ghana! Within a few years, she had three children, was starting law school and life should have been challenging, but exciting.
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| Meg & Samuel with Jonas, Sarai & Cari August 2008 |
But things began to unravel and now, four and a half years after this picture was taken, they're finalizing their divorce. I'm not going into any of that; that's not the purpose of this blog. The purpose lies in the long-term effects associated with such a loss.
Loss is inevitable in our lives. It comes in many forms. It's the death of a loved one. It's divorce. It's a child leaving home and starting their own way in the world. It's watching your best friend get married and knowing it's never going to be the same again. It's moving to a new home. It's leaving home to go to college. It's graduation and leaving behind high school/college friends. It's watching a dear friend or family member suffer a life-altering illness/defect.
And every loss has long-lasting effects on our lives. It's not the "woe is me" pity party that many of us experience that is damaging. Heaven knows, I'm great at throwing myself a pity party! But, it's the psychological damage the loss inflicts upon us that allows the pain to go on; to make us question if we'll ever be the same again; if we'll ever be whole again; and if we'll ever find/experience a comparable love or life experience again.
Along with the self doubts come the defenses that we build around our minds and our hearts to help prevent us from EVER feeling that much pain or sorrow again! Meg and I have a lot in common, even though she is my alter-ego. Unfortunately, one thing she and I have in common is an incredible talent for blaming ourselves, for feeling unworthy of love and for building very strong, very tall brick walls around our hearts. We're very passionate and very devoted to our causes and our relationships and each loss or betrayal builds those walls a little higher and a little thicker.
So, how depressing. Right? Why try? Why not call it quits and put an end to such a pitiful existence? Well, I occasionally joke about that very thing and point out the fact that with MY luck, I'd end up a vegetable and be in worse shape than I am now; but the truth is, there is a bright side to the loss we experience in this life. Now I am NOT an advocate of taking risks and tempting fate to see what losses we can experience to challenge ourselves! That's just asinine!
However, I have learned that there is good to come out of loss and the experiences that follow, and that if we turn to a loving Heavenly Father and allow our savior, Jesus Christ, to relieve us of the burden associated with the loss, we can go on; not just go on, but become better for having gone through the experience. And, hopefully, in sharing those experiences as I'm doing here, perhaps I can help others to understand and give them the strength to look beyond their pain and the courage to forge ahead.
If you've read enough of my blogs, you're aware that I was spoiled. I relied on my parents, my big brothers and others that I loved and trusted to take care of me and tell me what to do. By the time I was 22, I had lost all four grandparents, both parents, a niece and a favorite uncle to death. But all those losses forced me to find an internal strength to carry on and to find my own direction in the world. What's more, the experience of learning how to take care of myself and find my own path gave me the courage and the strength to make decisions and find the right path for my children and I after my divorce.
Finding that I could survive after my divorce and finding a self assurance that I could trust the decisions that I made with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, gave me the strength to go on alone and build my career after the last of my children left home as Brooks got married and the twins left on their missions.
And surviving each of my children's exoduses from my daily care and tutelage has provided me with wonderful opportunities to become a grandmother with fifteen adorable, happy healthy grandchildren!
Blessings are the results of the pain we suffer. Joy is the profit of the investment in our experiences. Does it make the hard times any easier? Does it make the pain any less? I wish I could say it did. The truth is, you will experience pain. You will suffer loss. You will be lonely. And you will throw yourself the occasional pity party. The true test comes in what you make of it. Do you wallow in it? Do you blame others? Do you become bitter and allow the pain to cripple you? Or, do you turn to a God who knows you and loves you, learn from the experience and move forward to create not just a better life, but a better eternity?
I can't say that I've mastered all that I preach here. I DO throw myself the pity parties. I DO wonder why I go to work everyday when most days no one even notices I'm there or the contributions I make. I DO feel lonely and wonder if I'm destined to be alone the rest of my life.
But then, when the pity party is in full swing and the trash can is full of tissues, I pull myself together, count my many blessings, look for alterations I can make in my life to make it better and resolve to go forward, one step at a time; knowing that as long as I keep eternity and my heavenly reward as the ultimate goal I CAN endure all and just like I know myself, I know Meg and I know that "nothing's gonna stop us now!"
For all of my kids, my grandkids and any dear friends/family who may read this and be going through a rough time, know that I've been where you are. I've felt your loss and your pain. I'm here for you and I know that you have it within yourself to carry on! Be happy!
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